Totally in My Face!
For so many years I was able to keep my anxiety to myself and cover it up in a blanket so that no one even knew it was there. Now that I have embraced my anxiety and realize it is something that I have to fix, I am pulling the blanket back a little bit; and now it wants to explode! Now everyone from my husband, to my coworkers, to my friends, to my church family; everyone and their mama knows that I have an issue with anxiety. I guess I have hidden it long enough.
I didn't realize how much I was hurting myself by hiding myself if that makes any sense. This week I was drawn to the Scripture from John 16: 22-33 and I blew it off at first. It starts with verse 22 "So with you: now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." and I continued to blow it off. I continue to tell myself it didn't have anything to do with me and that nothing was that serious.
That is until I went to a meeting with my church family in a restaurant that was entirely too crowded for me. I went without my husband which is a big no-no for me in the first place. I generally do not go out in public, unless it is to church, without him. He is what some may say is my safety net. I agreed to go, and I sat down in this restaurant, and immediately I felt the weight on my chest. I wanted to scream and I wanted to cry and I wanted to run at the same time! But I did not want to make a fool out of myself. So I tried to engage in the meeting, which I totally failed. My church will say that I did a great job, but they are just saying that to be nice, and I realize that.
I got through the meeting and I was able to successfully leave without having a panic attack. I went directly home. I went directly home and I told my husband what happened. He could see it all over my face he knew something was wrong and he knew that I was upset. He knew immediately it was my anxiety. That is why I love him. Because he knows me. I did not even have to tell him anything. He already knew what the problem was. So he allowed me time to try and fix it. I went out on my porch and I began to read from the book of John. Verse 31 "Do you now believe?" Jesus replied. With a heavy sigh; yeah, I believe now.
Somehow or another I need to go to church on Sunday with my head held high and not feel like a blithering idiot. I am not quite sure how I am going to do that, but I am. I am not going to apologize again for my anxiety. I have already apologized 10 million times. All I can do is try and fix myself. All I can do is pray and throw myself into God's word. For the most part that is what I have been doing. But like everyone else in this world, I slip. I am not perfect. I tend to continue to believe that I can conquer the world, by myself.
If you have been reading this blog then you understand it is all about my anxiety and me trying to fix, me. Believe it or not, it is better than what it used to be. It is just more "out there" than ever before. I never used to speak about it. I am not sure if my speaking about it is helping or not. But for now, I am going to continue that. I am going to continue talking about my anxiety because I know I am not alone. And for those that think they are alone, I want them to know that they are not!
All I can do at this point is continue to take each day as it comes. When I wake up in the morning I open my day with my devotional and prayer. That is all I can do at this point. I have to rely on the singular entity that has not failed me so far; simply put, that is God.
Love Y'all, Until Next Time!
Kristina