Refrain from My Anger?!
Really?! After the week that I have had it is funny that the verse I am focusing on specifically tells me to refrain from being angry. It is the first two weeks of the new year and it has already been so frustrating. I really have been trying to hold it all together. I really have been trying my best. It only seems that today my best is not good enough. Especially since I took a mental health day from work. Let me explain.
Yesterday while I was at work someone decided they were going to steal my catalytic converter off of my vehicle. So when I got in my vehicle in the evening and started it up, I quickly ended up at the mechanic. The noise alone was deafening and through my anxiety into overdrive. I was proud of myself though; I turned directly to prayer while I was driving. Seemly as soon as I pulled in they knew what happened. They gave me the bad news as to how much it was going to cost. And really, there was nothing that I could do. All I could do was pay the bill and move on. I have been trying to do that, but not very successfully.
You see, I got in touch with the supervisor at my job for them to pull the cameras. And that is when it was revealed to me that the thieves basically watched me in my vehicle. They waited and watched me leave my vehicle and walked into my building before they pounced on my vehicle. Apparently, they were very quick with the process. But the bothersome part is the fact that they watched me. They basically stopped me until I got out of my vehicle. I don't know how long they watched me. I just feel so absolutely uneasy. Just knowing that makes me feel so anxious. My anxiety has been going full force ever since.
I tried to go to sleep last night with no luck. I even took a sleeping pill. No luck. In my mind, I am thinking that they may have followed me home. In my mind, I am thinking that they are watching my truck still because they want to steal the new one. In my mind, I feel so violated that I don't want to leave my home. I am scared. I am really trying not to be, but I am.
The verse I have been referring to is Psalm 37:8 which reads "Cease your anger and forsake wrath. Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil." And it is very true. I have been telling myself to stop being angry. I don't know why they stole it. Maybe they needed the money more than I needed the converter. Maybe they needed the money to feed their family. Then I quickly find myself praying for my thieves! But this does not help my anxiety at all.
I turned to my friends, my church family, and my Bible. I found it very easy to ask for prayer. At any other time, I would feel entirely guilty for calling off work. However, I knew that I needed a mental health day. Mentally right now I am not well, and I know that. I am hurt. I am damaged goods right now. My anxiety has mentally crippled me right now. And I need to work on myself. Thankfully my supervisor was very understanding.
I just don't know what to do. I have not gotten any sleep, okay maybe an hour or two at the most. But it just keeps going back to the violation that I feel. That is huge. It is a huge betrayal from a stranger. I will never meet them I am sure. However, the betrayal is overwhelming. I try to tell myself that "this too shall pass" without much success. The only thing that I know for certain right now is that I will be okay. God is by my side and he is holding my hand, and carrying me when I can no longer walk.
One thing that I am so grateful for is the fact that I have people openly praying for me. My friends called me and prayed for me. No questions asked. And ultimately, that is all I need. Right now in this very moment, prayer is what I need.
Until next time.
Kristina