God, Do I Fear You?
This week has been a whirlwind. My anxiety has been at a million decibels and I don't even know why. It really shouldn't be, if you ask everyone around me. But to me, it is exactly where it should be. It is out of control and it is making me feel sick to my stomach. I have got to get a grip on this, right? You would think it would be that easy. Let me elaborate a little bit.
My hip has been hurting to the extreme and I decided to go to the doctor and they gave me a referral to an orthopedic specialist. I have been worrying about this appointment ever since it was scheduled. And when I walked into the office and the nurses were so kind to me I started to feel guilty about being nervous. My brain works in mysterious ways sometimes. I was so nervous at this point I sent a group text to all of my friends asking for prayer, but no one responded. It was at that point that I knew I was legitimately on my own. However, after testing and meeting with the specialist, I was told that I have a labrum tear in my hip. Basically, I tore the muscle in my hip. After being given several different options I decided to consider physical therapy before anything else. So now I have to decide if that is what I'm going to do or not.
I kept replaying the same verse over and over in my mind that I have given myself this week:
7 The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.
Then my mind started to calm down a bit because then I started thinking about why in the world the God that I am so in love with would want me to fear Him. So that got my mind off of the appointment and onto biblical teaching, which generally helps me calm down and focus. I realized that through all of God's love and mercy and greatness that He gives me, it is still His one and only desire for me to please Him. I also realize that it is a healthy fear and a respectful fear that is not done out of actual anxiety-driven fear but out of love. I know that God does not want me to have this anxiety-riddled atmosphere around me. I realized that he is trying to help me clear my mind and remove the anxiety from my life. I was stupid enough to think that I was smarter than God and that I could fix it myself. This was His chance to remind me that I cannot.
For a moment I was disappointed because none of my friends checked on me. However, I realized that is not their responsibility. That is not their job. I am not their child and I do not need to hold them accountable for anything at all. This was an opportunity for God to tell me that I am the center of no one's universe but His. I guess in actuality I just needed to have this reminder. Maybe I needed to be put down a couple of pedestals on my ladder. Maybe I needed to be reminded that there are more important things going on right now.
After researching this verse I begun to fall in love with it. I have begun to fall in love with the entire Book of Psalms. I am sure this is only my first dive into this book. We all know that I am not a novice at the Bible. However, I am certainly trying to beef up my knowledge of it. As of right now, I am still struggling to get through every single day without some sort of anxiety. However, I can say that I am better now than I was six months ago. I am being wholeheartedly honest when I say I have God, and His love for me to thank for that.
Until next time.