Can't Believe I'm Still Doing This
I already have a regular blog, and then a blog for restaurant reviews, and I have a website where I write for other people, and now I am doing a blog based on my journey through anxiety. However, this one is a little bit different because I am actually biblically trying to heal my anxiety. If that makes any kind of sense to anyone, but me. It seems as though everything makes sense in my mind while others stare at me with blank gazes in their eyes. I have gotten used to it so it does not even phase me anymore.
This week has been extremely difficult for me to go through day by day. It has been so busy I have literally not had an opportunity to sit down and take a deep breath. My husband and I drove to the other side of Texas to visit my son and my daughter-in-law and love them unconditionally for Thanksgiving. It was definitely the highlight of my week, hell it was the highlight of my year! I love them so much. They are both doing so well that I could never ask for anything more. I mean, I could, but it wouldn't help anything.
This week I really dove into the book of Proverbs to help with my anxiety. Two verses specifically. Proverbs 10:24 and Proverbs 11:8 were the two main ones. However, from previous studies, I have learned that you never go solely by one verse. You always read a couple of verses ahead and a couple of verses after to get a full understanding of what you're reading. This is what I have been doing and I have to admit I really enjoyed the book of Proverbs.
My anxiety hit epic proportions when we were driving on the highway and got caught in a snowstorm, then blustering rain, and driving through blackness beyond blackness. Because apparently, the highway department does not believe in lighting the highway. So at night, it is pitch black. Unfortunately, my husband actually saw firsthand me having an anxiety attack. I guess I did not scare him too bad because he is still here! I could feel myself shaking inside of my body, my lips were trembling, my hands were shaking, and I felt myself begin to cry; it was bad. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was there to console me no matter what. However, I also know that he can't make it go away, only I can. And damned if I didn't try!
I leaned on Proverbs 10:4 which reads "the fear of the wicked, it shall come upon him: but the desire of the righteous shall be granted" and I really couldn't ease my anxiety with this verse. So I continued to read and I leaned on Proverbs 11:8 which reads "the righteous is delivered out of trouble, and the wicked cometh in his stead". Now, this is more like it, that is the King James version but if I go into ESV it reads "the righteous is delivered from trouble, and the wicked walks into it instead". This made more sense to me. In this version, I could understand more, and I can relate to more.
It is hard for me to think of myself as righteous, but I certainly think that I am a better person than I was before. So I could put myself in the shoes of the righteous being delivered from trouble. Certainly know that I'm not a wicked person so I'm not going to walk into trouble. I kept reading this verse over and over in my mind. Reciting it mentally over and over, and over and over. At this point, I don't know if my husband thought I was just calming myself down or if he thought that I was crazy. Whatever the case may be I started to feel better. And that is what was important to me.
Above all else, it is important to remember that when you have an anxiety attack it is literally, an attack. It is an attack that takes over your entire body. My mind was convincing me that I was horrible, and my heart was racing so bad I felt like it was going to explode. My hands were so sweaty I couldn't do anything but cry to release the pressure that was in my body. I am fully convinced that until you have an anxiety attack of your own, you have no idea the pain that it causes.
Now that I am home, I am back to my regular schedule. Things are beginning to calm down and my mind is becoming calmer. One day, I will be able to wrangle my anxiety. I pray for the day to come. I pray that it comes sooner than later. This most recent anxiety attack was the worst I have had in ages, by far. I just pray that it is the last one for a very long time.
Love Ya'll, Until Next Time!
Kristina
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