Anxiety Is So Very Real
It has been quite a while since I posted about my anxiety. That is surely not because it is gone. Because it is not. Most of you know that I was at a church retreat last week; so thankfully my anxiety was very much low-key. I was a little bit anxious about the flight and the drive itself. But not really much of anything else. There was literally such a strong Godly presence that my anxiety was not an issue. It was a lot for me to take in simply because I have not been away from my husband the entire 10 years we have been together. So by accomplishing that in itself, I was proud of myself.
When I got back from the retreat I still felt overwhelmingly protected. Now, the reality is setting me back in, and I am back in the confines of work and societal norms. And here I go again feeling anxious. I was extremely anxious yesterday as we were under a huge storm warning and some areas were even under tornado warnings. However, I kept it together the best I could. I came home and closed the blinds to keep out as much of the noise as possible.
I was glad that I looked at this verse last week so that I could continue the mantra as of yesterday. The verse I am referring to is Matthew 28:20 and if you are not familiar with it, you will want to be.
Matthew 28:20 NIV
20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
When I think of this verse I picture in my mind God telling me to be obedient. After all, he is commanding. I always think when I read verses that God is talking directly to me. In this verse, it says that he is always with me. I don't know why it is so difficult for me to understand this or for me to believe this. This is such a struggle that I have on a daily basis! Now, please do not misunderstand me, I love God. I love what I have learned about God through his word and my church family. I just struggle with the fact that he loves me and will protect me unconditionally. I honestly think I struggle with this so badly because I have never had someone love me unconditionally. There have always been conditions, some of them extremely outlandish.
I am continuing to use my anxiety drops. Those do seem to help calm me a little bit more. It does not take the feelings away, but it does help. At this point, I can really do nothing else other than continue to pray and try to put it in God's hands. I am trying to do that, but it is so difficult for me. I am nowhere near perfect and never claimed to be. But this battle that I have with my anxiety seems to get better at times and then 10 times worse.
I am not giving up. I am going to continue to lean on God and his word. But for anyone who reads my blog, please know I welcome your prayers for me and my comfort and healing. Anxiety is very real and very difficult to function with when it is active in my mind.
Until next time.
Kristina
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