100 Days of Anxiety: Day 1
What made me anxious today? Thank you for asking, I will be happy to tell you. First of all, I never lack anything that makes me anxious during the day. There are always 1 to 1,000 reasons for me to possibly have an anxiety attack whether it is on the outside or the inside. It is happening. I am an expert in covering it up so that no one is aware of what is actually going on inside of me.
I will mentally have discussions with myself in my head to bring myself down and talk myself out of actually going into full-blown anxiety attack mode. Generally, this is for other people so that they don't feel so uncomfortable being around me. I am one of the rare ones that still take other people's feelings into consideration. Not saying that not everyone does, but the number is surely less than it used to be.
This is going to be a pretty lengthy blog series that was actually introduced to me accidentally by my pastor. She preached a sermon where she gave out passages in the Bible relating to anxiety and how anxiety is addressed in the Bible. During her sermon, I was so in tune with what she was saying I felt like I was the only person in the room. She was speaking directly to me. She was telling me how to control my own anxiety. She was telling me what page to open my Bible to and what book of the Bible to choose. She was going as far as telling me exactly what verse to read. But she had no idea. Heck, I had no idea, until that particular Sunday morning.
When service was over I went to her and asked her if I could have a copy of the verses that she was referencing. I told her I had a stupid little idea about blogging, she knows I'm a writer. She is aware that my brain goes a million miles a minute when it comes to writing. It has taken me a while to even bring this idea to fruition. And yet I am still as excited as I was when I heard her preaching about it.
What did I feel anxious about today? Again, thanks for asking, I will be happy to tell you.
Today at my job there were many administrative staff members that were out. My direct supervisor was out, which meant I was the next person in command, so to speak, for our department. This always makes me nervous because if management comes to me with a question and I don't know how to answer it or if I give them the wrong answer; then all hell breaks loose! You might think that is an exaggeration, but it's not.
I was very attentive to every single email that crossed my desk today. Reading in detail every email before I responded. I ended up taking CBD oil just to counteract a possible anxiety attack, first thing in the morning. My anxiety sometimes is so crippling that I don't have any choice but to isolate myself. I do this mainly because I don't want to make anyone else uncomfortable around me. I don't want anyone else to know how bad it is. God knows how bad it is. He knows how hard I have been working to try and get it under control. He knows that I refuse to take prescription medication. He knows.
So I grabbed the sheet so I could refer to some verses that are "supposedly" going to help me center myself and bring myself back into reality.
1 John 4:1 reads "Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are of God: for many false prophets have gone out into the world". I read this verse over and over, and I could not understand what the world had to do with anxiety making me a calmer person. After multiple reads of the same verse over and over all I really did was memorize it. My anxiety was still there. That lump in my throat, my heart beating out of my chest, the back of my neck sweating, and I am not feeling any better. So I go on to the next verse.
1 John 5:21 reads "Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God's place in your hearts". I read this verse multiple times. I wanted it to have more of an effect than the first one. Because now not only am I anxious because of my job I am also getting more anxious because I think that I'm not reading the biblical word correctly. Maybe I am not understanding it correctly. But that didn't happen with this verse. This time I felt it. This time it was different. Every time I read it, I felt a little bit more at ease. So I continue to read it a couple more times. I figured, what can I hurt at this point?
I can't believe it works y'all. I finished up my day, with success under my belt. Everything was completed and the customers were happy. That is what matters in my line of work. And I can truly say that at this point, right now today. This day was a success because of this verse 1 John 5:21 and I don't have any way to explain it. Is it biblical healing? Is it God's way of telling me he's got my back? I do not know. All I know is that I was able to read a verse from the Bible multiple times until my physical being grew calmer.
Until next time.
Kristina